The Perfect Big Mac
by Pair0noid
Summary: Roy want's a burgar. He sends Jean to go get it for him.


Okay all! Here's my second Full Metal Alchemist story for you. And...yes...I still own nothing. Well, cept for a couple mangas...a Roy plush...and some cards. Anyways...I wrote this one in less than 5 minutes over an AIM Chat to entertain a few people I RP with. -

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Once upon a time, Roy Mustang sent 2nd Lieutenant Jean Havoc on a mission. Yes...a mission. What was this mission? To get him the _perfect_ Big Mac, of course!

Dun dun DUN!

Jean took the mission, despite the fact he was terrified of Ronald McDonald. But he was Roy's right hand man. He couldn't let him down. So he walked out of HQ, head held high, on his way to the fast food restaurant.

It wasn't a long walk to McDonalds. Hell, the place was right across the street. All seemed well. Havoc didn't get hit by a car while on his way there and he also got to bum a cigarette off the local hobo.

He entered the building and walked up to the register. "One Big Mac please. And make it..._perfect_."

The pimply kid behind the counter nodded. "Alrighty mister." He snorted.

"NO SMOKING IN THE MICKY DEES!" The fat, saggy manager lady yelled at Havoc.

Havoc whimpered, the cigarette falling from his lips. "Y...yes ma'am." He mumbled, stomping it out. Havoc waited just a few more minutes before the pimply kid handed him a bag.

"Enjoy." He winked.

Havoc made a face that read 'Eww no...' before he walked off. Jean almost reached the door, but he was stopped. For, standing in front of the door was...yes..._the clown_. Havoc screamed like a pansy, dropping the bag and slapping his hands to his cheeks.

Ronald McDonald laughed. "Oh ho ho! What do we have here?" He patted Jean on the head and then picked up the bag. "Ohh, a Big Mac for the big man." He winked.

Havoc was scared. He didn't want to be raped by Mickey Dee people. He snatched the bag from the clown and ran, ran as fast as his little feets could go. Havoc turned his head, looking back. The clown was chasing after him! He panicked. The poor man wasn't expecting such a desperate clown. Almost to HQ now. He could make it. It was his safe haven. BAM! A car had struck him. The bag caring the burger flew from his hands and was struck by another car.

"NOOO!" Havoc scrambled to his feet, ignoring the old woman in the car yelling at him. He picked up the bag and ran. But it was no use. The clown had caught up to him. He grabbed onto the Havoc's shoulder, and stopped him on the curb.

Havoc jumped. "Please! Don't penetrate me!" He pleaded.

Ronald raised a brow. "Uh...I just wanted to return the lighter you dropped back at McDonalds." The clown said, handing it over to him.

Havoc let out a sigh of relief as he took it. "Oh thank you Mr. Clown!"

Ronald nodded. "Hey, it's a nice lighter. I have one almost just like it." He said, pulling out his own lighter.

Havoc's eyes lit up at the sight of it. "You smoke?" He asked, slight joy in his voice. Suddenly the clown wasn't so scary anymore.

Ronald nodded, "Hey, I got some cigars imported from Cuba. Wanna smoke?"

Havoc nodded. And soon, they were in an alleyway behind HQ smoking it up. When they were finished, Havoc thanked the man and picked up the bag holding the Big Mac, which a grundgy dog had be chewing on the whole time, then proceeded back into HQ. He still had to complete his mission.

"Here you are sir." Havoc said, handing over the wet, flat, ripped bag over to the officer. Mustang looked it over, seemingly quite disgusted by the site of it. Roy slowly opened it as Havoc watched, feeling quite proud of himself. He had got the burger, conquered his fear of clowns, made a new friend, and didn't die after getting hit by a car.

"WHAT IS THIS CRAP?" Mustang shot up from his seat and waved the burger in Jean's face. Suddenly Jean didn't feel so high and mighty anymore.

"A...A Big Mac..." He mumbled.

Mustang snorted. "Big Mac...BIG MAC! I asked for the _perfect_ Big Mac!" Havoc whimpered as he watched the flat, greasy, oozing burger move back in forth in front of his face. It was covered in dog slobber and dirt.

He sighed. "Chief you see..."

Mustang cut him off. "You should have check the burger before you left Lieutenant! The _perfect _Big Mac should have tomatoes! It's missing the damn tomatoes!" And with that, Roy threw the burger in Jean's face and stormed out of room.

And there Havoc stood, mustard on his face, plotting death against that pimply kid who made the burger.

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There you have it. R&R please. E-mail is open. And if you want to RP...drop me an E-mail!


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